


Digging Up a Shallow Grave

by Obsessive_RS



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: College, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Third Person, Post-Season/Series 04, Present Tense, Zach's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_RS/pseuds/Obsessive_RS
Summary: "But I took a fucking life, you know? I took a breathing person and turned him into a corpse." Alex argues, the corners of his lips turning down."Yes, but what good will it do if you go forward?"Alex's gaze becomes more intense. He smiles sadly, sighing, "Maybe I'd breathe easier."------(A love story, with guilt, depression and other stuff on the side.)
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall (past), Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 25
Kudos: 83





	Digging Up a Shallow Grave

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm here with a fanfiction for my newest obsession: Zalex.  
> I actually believed that it didn't make much sense if they ended up together at the series finale, but maybe after that it makes more sense.  
> Also, this story contains Alex dealing with Bryce's death and his guilt, something we didn't really witness in the show.  
> Hope you enjoy! :D

College is not the dream everyone pictured it to be.

As it turns out, he has to study, attend numerous boring classes, drink cheap beer with his unlikable roommate, put up with nosy classmates, and worst of all, miss what he once had.

Zach considers the Chapman university's campus to be beautiful, yet empty of character, as a reason, he spends most of his free time away from the carefully gardened flowers and tall, white buildings; but in the city's old and pre-war built streets, listening to a playlist that reminds him of what he likes to call 'good old days.'

'It feels good to be running from the devil…'

As he remembers it, it really does not 

He falls out of touch with his friends quickly, not really being in a good enough mood to continue his so-called relationship with them. Tyler never really liked him, Clay is still mourning over Justin, Jessica is too deep inside her own shit to bother calling him, Tony just doesn't care enough, and Alex, well Alex is another story.

Zach finds himself calling his best friend once a week, each conversation going less smoother than the last, with the things they have in common slowly fading over time and giving place to things each one barely knows about the other.

A happy and deep in love Alex sickens Zach to a level, reminding him of how his own heart isn't even close to beating for another soul. It's hollow, he keeps realizing.

\------

"So, how's it going, man?" Zach questions, looking into Alex's blue eyes that blatantly stare back at him.

"It's the third time you have asked that, Zach. It's fine if we've run out of shit to say to each other. You can hang up." Alex retorts back, running a hand through his now dust colored hair.

"Why did you dye it again?" Zach finds himself asking, his stomach starting to slightly churn. Something inside him screams to continue the conversation, grasp these moments with his best friend, no matter what.

Alex strokes his chin, shrugging. "I don't know, man. I got bored I guess." He says and turns around, looking at the flickering light behind him, "That fucking rommate of mine. The spoiled brat can't even change a light bulb. Oh and don't even get me started on his disaster of a girlfriend. The two can't skype without his hand going into his pants."

The sheer annoyance behind the boy's pithy statement entertains Zach, earning a muffled snigger from him. "You gotta feel for him though, man. Aren't you in the same place?"

Alex's eyebrows jolt up and he leans back a little in his chair. "Don't you know anything about me? I hate shit like that, I'm too awkward for it."

Zach shakes his head, remembering how uncomfortable Alex had always looked when showing affection.

An uneasy silence falls between them, only broken by Alex's heavy breathing; The sound runs shivers through Zach's spine, him recalling the occasions in which they laid next to each other, eyes closed but both too aware of the other's presence.

"I sometimes think about turning myself in." Alex finally exclaims, and the shock of his statement is enough to completely yank Zach out of his imagination.

"What? Why?" He asks, horrified.

The other boy seems to sense his alarm, as he hurriedly waves his hand, shaking his head no. "Fuck- not you guys! Just myself! You know, in a way that won't get you all involved." He explains, "Or my dad."

"That's not what I fucking meant, Alex." Zach hears himself snap, his hands turning into fists under his desk. "You don't deserve to go away because of fucking Bryce, and;" he stammers, "because of protecting me. That shit's done. Nothing you can -or should- do about it."

"But I took a fucking life, you know? I took a breathing person and turned him into a corpse." Alex argues, the corners of his lips turning down.

"Yes, but what good will it do if you go forward?"

Alex's gaze becomes more intense. He smiles sadly, sighing, "Maybe I'd breathe easier."

Zach is -not surprisingly- speechless.

\------

One Friday night he finds himself in another party, this one with heavier booze and less dressed girls; he appreciates the qualities of a half naked mexican student as she gives him a wink while seductively dancing with her boyfriend.

He has realized for some time that alcohol has stopped cheering him up and helping him drown into a calming void; it instead brings up memories he has tried to bury, but maybe in a grave too shallow, he decides.

He doesn't know what drives him into dialing Alex's number, he usually knows better than to get drunk and call someone - but this is Alex, he reminds himself, the always nice, always having his back, sweet Alex.

"What?" A drowsy sounding Alex picks up, and Zach's heart skips a beat. Or two. Or three.

"Man, you never really answered my question. What gives? You parents never taught you that ignoring your friend is wrong?"

"Are you drunk?" He questions, and the disgust in his voice brings back a faded memory into Zach's buzzing mind; music, dim lights, a black dressed girl underneath him undoing his tie, his best friend's disappointed look, Charlie's short but effective sentence. _Be better._

"At the riot." Zach explains, drawing imaginary circles on the sofa with his long fingers, "I asked why you were with me and not Charlie. Remember?" 

After a short moment of silence, Alex replies, dryly; "Yes."

"So?" Zach insists.

Alex hisses, like a tire on its way to pancake status. "Get back to your party, Zach. We'll talk later."

"You're right." the boy finds himself agreeing, "This is more of a face to face conversation. I'll get on my way first thing tomorrow morning."

"What?" Alex roars back. The sound drives Zach into pulling the phone away from his ear.

"What? I'll be there in 7 hours bro, no worries. Then we can talk." 

"Listen to me Zach. Do _not_ come here tomorrow. I'm driving home for one of Charlie's games, okay? You won't catch me before I leave."

Zach's lips press together tightly and he crosses his arms, holding his phone with his bare shoulder. Bitterness rattles his brain, shutting the small sober part of it completely off. "Charlie's a pretty boy, right?" He says and his tone is pity, full of a childish spite he himself despises.

He can hear Alex going still on the other side of the line for a moment, before clearing his throat, throwing out a cold and short comeback; "Call me when you sober up for good." And hangs up.

Zach holds the phone, dumbfounded. He slowly tosses the thing on a nearby sofa, heading to the pool.

He doesn't call Alex for a month and a half.

\-----

"Fuck! Zach! What a nice surprise!"

Jessica is wearing a crimson high sleeved dress with boots, her hair cut into a short bob, bangs covering her forehead.

"Come in!" She says, cheerfully, stepping aside.

Zach walks into a small room, with too beds, one made and the other one covered with clothes and books, one titled 'Bad Feminist'. "I should probably sit on this one, right?" He says, pointing at the book with raised eyebrows.

"Yes. Sit down." She says, "Fuck. I still can't believe you're here! I haven't heard from you in weeks!"

"Yeah, sorry about that. Wasn't really in a good place." Zach slowly agrees, taking a seat on the uncomfortable mattress.

Jessica investigates him thoroughly, as he can see from under his lashes, and sighs. "Any news from Alex?" He asks, gazing at Jessica, with a demanding look.

"He still doesn't answer you?"

"How did you-"

Jessica snorts. "He's my best friend. We talk about everything, Zach."

Zach sighs inadvertently, placing a hand on his face, robbing it gently. "His roommate said he was out." He says, cautiously.

"You gonna wait?" 

Zach is surprised by her question, imagining how obvious the answer to it must be. "Of course. I drove for 8 hours." He says, plainly.

"I think he might be in a study group, I'll text and ask him to come here if you want."

"Shit. Thank you, Jess;" he says standing up and going towards her, kissing her on the cheek.

"Done." Jessica announces, putting her phone on the desk, looking at him with blaming eyes.

"You blew him off for two months." She states and he can feel the shame burning inside his chest, threatening to come out as a loud whimper.

"Yes. I did." He hears himself say, somewhat proud of how he succeeds in leaving the wounded sensation out of his tone.

Jessica appears undecided, resting her sharp chin on her ring covered hand, holding his gaze stubbornly. Ultimately, she sighs, wrapping her arms around herself, "You can't really blame him for not answering you in the past week, can you then?"

His expression stays fixed. He slowly nods no, with Jessica peering at him, searchingly. "I stopped wanting to drink away my sanity about two weeks ago." He explains. Jessica's face is unreadable for a few moments, with her finally tilting her head back.

"I understand that." She says, and Zach knows how Justin is probably what's going through her mind, and the urge to pull her away from the thought quickly builds up inside of him; He knows loss too well to be unaware of how it hits you, a flowing recollection at first, a suffocating hand around your neck not long after.

"How's it going here for you?" He asks and she looks to be saved from her own self, as she silently lets a short breath out.

"Not bad. I'm living how _I_ wanted to, you know? I'm starting a freshmen 'me too' club, I'm going to classes and shit, nothing much, but it's mine, you know?"

Zach laughs bitterly. "Not really. I haven't been really living, so;"

Before he has a chance to complete his self pity speech, the door opens and a concerned looking alex walks in, a stash of books under one arm, a backpack hanging from the other. "What's wrong? I left as fast as I-" he bursts out, but then cuts his voluble speech short, staring at a now standing Zach. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"Hey." Zach says, hesitant, taking a step back, involuntarily. 

Alex's expression is sullen to the least, as he takes his eyes away from Zach, setting them on Jessica. "You fucking traitor!" He growls, unblinking.

Jessica doesn't seem to be shaken, snorting in displeasure. "Stop with all the bullshit. Sit down. Talk it out. Simple."

Zach feels himself grateful for Jessica's presence, but it doesn't last long, when an expressionless Alex starts speaking with no more inflection than a traffic light. "Get out then. Or are you gonna sit here and fucking watch us too?"

Jessica grunts, shooting the boy a dirty look, and grabs her phone before leaving the tense scene, shutting the door.

Zach turns his face towards Alex and replays a prepared speech in his head, before being drawn out of his thoughts by the other boy.

"I was worried. For a month and half." The statement is sharp enough to cut and leave a permanent mark on Zach's mind.

"I know." He slowly replies.

"I ended up calling your mom."

"I know."

"She didn't know much, so I got your roommate's number from her." Alex says, flatly, "He said you're not there. You were never there. Day or night, weekend or weekday."

Zach feels an intense wave of shame washing through him. "I asked him to say that." 

"Figured." Alex says, shortly.

The room becomes cold after that, the tension thick enough for Zach to feel it on his skin. He then silently clears his throat, taking a small step forward.

"Look, man, I'm-"

"You're sorry, right?"

Zach is taken aback by his friend's sudden change of tone, going from hustile to pure indifferent. "Yes." He mumbles back, unsure.

"Great. You're forgiven then. Have a safe trip back."

In a matter of seconds, Zach feels the angry beast inside him roaring, and he desperately tries to get it back to sleep with long deep breaths. His chest loosens a bit before he decides it is safe to open his mouth, "You clearly aren't over it, so tell me what I need to do to make it up to you."

"Leave me alone for a while, will you?" Alex replies back, "As I seem to remember, you're fucking briliant at it." He says, bitterly.

Zach is dumbfounded. Seeing no way to win this conversation over, he becomes aggressive instead, letting himself go. "Don't be a fucking brat, Alex."

In a way, he expects his best friend to be more shocked or insulted, but Alex's face remains vacant, with the exception of his lips slightly twitching. "What do you want from me?" He asks, slowly.

"To be friends again. I guess, I don't fucking know, dude." Zach spits the words out, disturbed by the blank expression on his company's face.

"That's rich! You know, coming from someone who ignored this _friend_ 's calls for a whole damn month!" Alex suddenly yells, the veins in his neck throbbing. His blue eyes look glossy and it is all Zach needs to feel like absolute shit.

He slowly shifts closer to Alex, resting his hand a few inches away from his on the desk. "I really am sorry, for what it's worth." He says and cautiously takes a look at the boy's cheek, letting a breath out when seeing it dry.

"I know." Alex says, softly, turning his head and staring into Zach's eyes.

"So?" Zach slowly questions, his voice coming out more eager that he set it out to be.

Alex laughs, the sharpness of it putting daggers through the other boy's soul. "Why do you even wanna be friends with me, Zach? 'Cause I can tell you, I'll probably fuck it up. You know, if _you_ don't first."

"Did something happen with Charlie?" He gently asks, but he already knows. It starts fitting together in his head, with only one piece not belonging anywhere.

"Yeah, we uh, we broke up." The guy says, lightly kicking the chair with his foot.

Zach is speechless again, realising how rage is the only fuel that gets his motor running nowadays. However, he has to know, for Alex, for himself.

So he asks. "Why?"

"I'm fucked up, I never stopped being fucked up, the illusion only lasted for this long. He saw it, he tried to help me at first I guess, then he tried to cope with it, then he just-" He pauses, licking his lips, and then gives a hollow laugh, "So I set him free."

"Jesus, Alex, you're so much;" Zach tries to draw out the words and fails, getting furious with himself momentarily, before feeling Alex's trembling shoulders against his. 

"Fuck, man. Are you crying?"

Alex snorts, a single tear falling on his cheek. Zach looks at it and craves to trace it with his finger on the guy's light skinned face and on his slightly parted lips. He forces his mind to stay focused on the current issue, wrapping an arm around Alex's slim figure. "For fuck's sake, dude, you're awsome! I would never - _never_ \- drive for anyone 8 hours straight, have them yell at me and still count it as the best part of my whole damn month. But for you-"

Alex appears to be intrigued enough to take his eyes away from the ground and look directly at Zach, his mouth half open, surprise written on his profile.

"Anyway, whatcha even do? You've always been different, he can't not have known that." He stammers.

Alex raises an eyebrow. "Different? You mean like, damaged? 'Cause coming out of your mouth, it's just cruel-"

"Are you deliberetly being stupid? No! I mean different, unique." Zach groals, "Whatever. Answer the question, man."

Alex seems at war with himself for a moment, but then shrugs dismissively, "Every time I went there for a game, I bought some flowers and put them on Bryce's grave." He says, in a casual tone.

Zach's eyes widen, not having expected this to be Alex's response. He carefully moves closer, now close enough to smell the scent of cigarettes on the other boy's oversized t-shirt. "Why?" He asks, quietly.

Alex cackles, the harsh sound making Zach shiver, "Why do you think?"

"Alex-"

"But this is just like Bryce, you know? He can fuck with me even from beyond the grave." He smiles, "And well, I probably deserve it. I took his life, he takes mine."

Zach's mouth has turned dry and he desperately thinks of the best thing he can say that might calm Alex down, but his mind is dry, closed, too blown out to come up with anything. Alex on the other hand, seems to have no problem with breaking the silence.

"And you know what the most fucked up part is? That I feel so, _so_ guilty, I wish I hadn't done it, but deep down, I just know that I probably would've done it again if I went back." Alex confesses and suddenly turns his head, his pale face inches away from Zach's. "And you wanna know why? Because I know somehow, in a pathetic way, I thought I was protecting _you_."

Zach's heartbeat fastens and he slowly swallows, gripping the desk so tight, his knuckles start to burn. "Alex-"

"I uh-" Alex stutters, starting to pull back, but before he can, Zach grasps his arm, holding his gaze with his dark brown eyes.

Years later, Zach still thinks about this moment, never figuring out what exactly had driven him into what he does next; He pecks a soft kiss on Alex's lips, hearing a breath hitch in his lungs. His beard is coarse against the guy's smooth skin, the contrast making his heart jolt in an indescribable way. 

Before he can make up his mind about how he feels, Alex pulls away, staring at him intensely. "What was that?"

Zach has never prided himself on being subtle in delicate situations, yet what he does next even shocks his own self.

"Gotcha!" He shrikes, dreading to look at Alex's face.

"What?" The other boy asks, dumbfounded.

Zach takes two long steps back, forcing out a fake laugh, "I got back at you! You know, for the rooftop." He says, and judging by Alex's puzzled gaze, he doesn't believe him one bit.

"The fuck, man?" Alex gapes at him in shock, his mouth hanging open.

Zach waves his hand fiercely, hopelessly trying to keep his expression solid; knowing himself well enough to be sure he won't be able to do so for long, his mind buzzes with different suggestions he can take to set himself free for the moment. It's not difficult for him to realise what he is doing is not fair to his best friend, yet he can't find the energy in himself to do otherwise.

"Sorry, apparently it wasn't a really funny joke, but I promise to come up with a better one for Christmas." He says and Alex's expression doesn't change one bit.

"Zach-"

"Look man, I gotta go, if I don't drive back now, I'm gonna be napping in class tomorrow. But I'll call you later, okay?"

Alex nods, startled. "Okay. I'll be waiting then."

"Okay then. I missed you, dude." Zach says, hugging his friend in a sudden movement, letting go of him sooner than usual. "See you later." He says and leaves the room hurriedly, without even so much as taking a look back.

That night he rents a room in a nearby motel and after tossing his few stuff on the bed, he heads to a small bar around the corner. He half expects himself to get drunk and drown his sorrows in a glass of bourbon, but instead he spots a platinum blonde girl, and his night becomes slightly lighter.

He doesn't dare ask himself why.

\------

His audi passes a bus full of highschoolers and he shrikes gleefully, throwing his hand out of the open window, waving at them with a sense of pride.

He had considered staying at Orange for Christmas, but a forceful Clay convinced him to do otherwise.

"Come home, man. We're already short on people we love." He had said, and Zach knew Clay well enough to know the amount of pain that must've pushed him into saying those words.

So he'd packed a small bag, knowing he had most of what he needed back at home. The bag sits on the back seat of his car now, with a large box next to it, an ocean blue ribbon wrapped around it. He had bought it the second he'd realized how the color reminded him of Alex's eyes.

He thinks of their conversations in the past week, plain, simple, dramaless, and fake.

He never found the courage in himself to bring up their short kiss, and since Alex didn't either, he figured he'd go with it. 

He has come to the realisation that he doesn't want to know why he did what he did, the thought frightening him every time it passes through his mind.

He pushes the gas pedal a bit more, enjoying the way the cold wind burns his glass covered eyes, cutting his bare skin. The sensation brings him into thinking about that night on the rooftop, and as simple as that, he is fucked again.

He turns the volume on the music playing up, the lyrics in complete harmony with his inner struggle.

'Keep hearing the fear in your voice, it's troubling me

Too near to the edge, much closer than I've been'

"Fucking Clay Jenson and his fucking playlist." He mutters, slowly, and changes the song.

The rest of his drive is trouble-free enough, with him finally parking his car in the garage of his house, grabbing his stuff and walking to the door, taking a deep breath, before knocking firmly.

"Zachary!" Her mom greets him after opening the door, taking him into a tight embrace. "I missed you! Come in, come in. May's going to be thrilled."

Zach steps inside, taking a look around. "You' changed the curtains." He states, staring at the blue fabric slowly moving with the wind. It gives the illusion of swimming in a deep ocean, and it's calming to Zach.

"Yes, I thought it was time for a change I _liked_." 

Zach smiles, kissing the top of her head. "It looks beautiful, mom." He says, grabbing his bag and the box.

"What's in it?" His mom asks, pointing to the wrapped gift with her eyes.

"It's a Christmas present, uh, for Alex."

His mom waggles her eyebrows, "Huh. Okay." She says, an underlying question in her tone.

Zach ignores it, heading upstairs, opening the door to his old room. The moldy smell hits him in the face, making his eyes damp.

"God damn." He mumbles, rushing over to the window, opening it with one hand.

His phone dings and he swears again, tossing the stuff in his hand on the bed, and fishes it out of his pocket. 

**_Clay Jenson 6:24 p.m._ **

_You in town yet?_

He looks around the room and to his bag, silently deciding to deal with them later. 

**_Zach Dempsey 6:26 p.m._ **

_Just got in. Why?_

**_Clay Jenson 6:27 p.m._ **

_Can you come to Monet's? We're almost all here._

Zach's heart jumps into his throat and he doesn't question the pleasant feeling building inside him. The butterflies start to fly, knocking themselves to the insides of his empty stomach.

"Fuck this." He mutters to himself, feeling nauseous. Is it even possible to throw up half a cup of coffee and a small piece of cookie? He doesn't wish to find out, inhaling deeply while rubbing his painful knee.

When did he get himself into this? He slightly feels grey, tired of staring at old photos, wondering what his life could've been, _if_. He has known for some time that there's trouble, since when he started to want to live in the memories, walk inside them, play them over and over again, like tapes. Her tapes.

**_Zach Dempsey 6:34 p.m._ **

_Be there in 20._

The bell announces his arrival to the group sitting beside the window, all sprawled on Monet's peacock colored armchairs. One gets up and starts turning around; Zach's breath gets hitched and he shakes his head, getting a damp quiff out of his eye. The figure faces him, his brown curls sticking to his sweaty forehead, The paleness of his skin almost seeming exaggerated, Zach doesn't remember it ever being so white.

"Zach! Good to see you!" Tyler offers his hand, taking Zach's shaky one in his own. "You look great!"

"You too, man! How's it going?"

"Fucking Zach Dempsey!" A voice exclaims and he doesn't need to turn around to be sure who he is going to face, he is almost sure the owner will have a new scar on his face, he always has a new one when Zach sees him after some time.

"Clay." He says and of course he is proven right, a glowing Clay standing in front of him, a small scar on the corner of his forehead. 

He almost throws himself at Zach, his head landing on Zach's t-shirt covered chest. "I didn't think I'd ever miss you so fucking much."

Zach is overthrown by a wave of affection towards the boy, the boy he once tried to get expelled from school. "How do you have a new one?" 

"What?" Clay asks, his voice muffled against the soft fabric of Zach's shirt.

Zach grabs the boy's shoulders, pushing him away from himself. "Enough hug time, dude. Way past enough."

Clay smirks. "Agreed. That was just so soft. How the hell do you own clothes this magnificent? You used to put on wife beaters."

"Alex got it for me." He confesses.

"Well that fucking makes sense." An approaching Tony says, a steaming cup in each of his hands. "How you doin' man?"

"Well I'd shake your hand, but you know,"

Tony sits down, carefully putting the cups on a round table in front of him. "I don't insist, don't worry." He says, stretching his legs, "And as for your question, I think he hit his head on a rock while jogging, am I right, Clay?"

Clay scoffs. "I'm almost 19 and I'm no better than when I was 15, in fucking _anything_ , I tell you."

Zach can't hold back his laugh and nods, amused by Clay's never-changing self descripting speeches. "You've gotten better at not pissing us off, I can tell you that." He assures the guy and takes a look around, "Where's Alex?"

"He's with the girls at the counter. I think Ani wanted his opinion about a drink or something." Tyler says, pointing his camera at Zach, clicking nonstop.

"But then we're all here, you said we almost-" He says, covering his face with one hand, and then the realisation hits him.

Clay is blinking rapidly, the insides of his eyes slightly turning red. He slowly shakes his head yes, his bottom lip trembling. 

"Justin." Zach only says, realising it probably will never stop being the case for Clay, right like how he felt -and still feels- when his dad's death comes to his mind. A lump is always ready there, to block his airway and make it hard to breathe, and all he can do is to silently sob, praying to every God there is for a temporary relief.

Clay rubs his eyes with the back of his hand, clearing his throat. "About time, what the hell were you doing back there?" He says to the two girls approaching, standing up, "Let me take that." 

A tired looking Ani passes a tray to Clay, sighing. "Alex is a shitty adviser, I'd tell you that. I was stuck between two options and he was kind enough to add two more." She nags and then spins around, coming face to face with Zach. He knows he has a smile on his face, he also knows it's not because of seeing Ani.

"Oh God! Zach! I didn't see you!" She shrikes and takes him in a hug, a hug even more comedic than Clay's.

"How could you not see him? He's so huge, a blind person would see him." Jessica states, a devilish smile on her lips.

Zach shakes with laughter, wrapping his hand around Ani's shoulder. "Hey Jess."

Jessica looks at him and her gaze is knowing, Zach is sure she's caught up on everything that happened between him and Alex, but he chooses to ignore, pushing the thought to the back of his head. 

"How's life for you guys?" He asks, taking his gaze away from her and focusing it on Tony who is stirring his drink with a straw. "The fuck are you doing man? Who drinks coffee with a straw?" He asks, crinkling his nose.

"I hurt my lip pretty badly, so this is what I get for a few days." Tony says and scoffs, "sit down, Dempsey. You're pissing me off standing like that."

"Yeah Zach, why aren't you sitting?" Jessica questions, raising an eyebrow. He can see the tease in her eyes and it's not hard to know what point she is trying to make, she is not really wrong after all.

"Where's Alex? He always takes so fucking long to choose a fucking-"

"Present." 

Zach turns around so fast the room spins and he starts to lose control, a sudden sharp pain in his knee almost making him cry.

"Fuck;" he mutters out and before he stumbles, Alex runs forward, pulling his sleeve. "Are you drunk?" He asks, blamingly. 

Zach can feel his face starting to get red, shame heating his skin from head to toe. "What? No, I have a bad knee, remember? Still a cripple;" He says in a high pitched voice, "You should know better than anyone."

Alex looks taken aback for a second, a faint wrinkle forming on his forehead. Zach knows him well enough to be a bit scared of what he might say, because it's Alex, he has never really cared about when or where, he will spit out what he needs to say. But much to his surprise, Alex bursts laughing, snorting loudly, "You're a dick, man."; And takes him into a tight embrace. "I missed you," he whispers into Zach's ear, his breath tickling his neck, sending a chill down his spine.

"Sit the fuck down, seriously." Tony insists again and Zach chuckles. "Okay, don't hurt yourself." He says, "I'm going to get a drink and then I'll _sit the fuck down_ , I promise."

"I got your drink, come, sit." Alex says, patting the seat beside him.

"I, uh, yeah, sure. Thanks." He suddenly feels awkward, stealing a glance at Jessica who is trying to hold back a smirk. With a sharp exhale through his nose, he forces out a smile and settles beside Alex, resting his head on the back of the sofa.

"So;" Tyler says, "Life's pretty boring without all that shit, right?"

Tony grinns, throwing his head back. "I still do a lot of fights, so mine's not." He argues, "And I know so does Alex, right?"

Alex nods. "Yeah, this guy there coaches me every friday; Charlie set me up with him, but he's not half as decent as you are, dude. I think he's afraid I'm gonna break or some shit, he keeps asking me if I wanna go on."

"It's probably because Charlie put him up to it, he's such a dear, my God;" Ani's eyes basically turn into two hearts saying that, and for a reason it irritates Zach. He glances at Jessica and sees her staring at him, with a smug smile that slaps him in the face, because he knows she understands how he feels better than he does. He hates it, how little hold of his life he has left, letting it slip away from his grasp; It feels shitty to have to read his emotion from someone else's face, to search for it in Jessica's smile or a nod of her head.

"They broke up." He announces, and Alex looks at him in shock, his eyes wide.

"The fuck, man?" He whispers for his ears only, but not so low that Zach can't hear the hurt in his voice.

"Wait, really?" Tyler asks and Alex nods, sighing. "Yeah. A few weeks ago." He explains, shooting a dirty look at Zach.

Ani narrows her eyes, "But I saw you together yesterday, you-"

"We're still friends." Alex interrupts her, standing up. "And I have to go get our drinks. The lid off for you, right?" Alex asks and Zach only nods his head, not looking up.

"Did he tell any of you?" Clay asks as soon as Alex is far enough and they all shake their heads no, with the exception of Jessica. 

"Yeah, I knew."

"And you didn't tell us? Jesus, I went on and on about Charlie last week when I spoke to Alex on the phone." Clay groans.

Jessica shruggs. "He didn't want anyone to know." She says, scowling at Zach, "And for good reason, as you can see."

"How the fuck was I supposed to know it was a huge secret? It's not that big of a deal, compared to everything else we're hiding!" Zach roars back, but he is not clueless enough to believe himself.

"Yeah? Well fuck-"

"Guys! Guys!" Ani intervenes, holding up a hand, "We haven't seen each other in _months_ , okay? Let's not fuck this up."

Alex reappears, putting a paper mug in front of Zach, himself holding another one. "So, what's going on with you guys?"

"We," Clay starts, pointing at Ani, "Went and visited Mrs. Baker in New York. She owns a small bookstore in Brooklyn near my apartment, and she was doing very well I think. Although Ani thinks she didn't like her, so;"

Ani scoffs in annoyance, "Clay, you took me to meet a woman I'd never seen before, to talk about her daughter that passed away; I felt so out of whack, it was humiliating."

"You weren't that bad-"

"I said 'see ya' to her on our way out and I can swear she was going to have a stroke and so was I-"

Jessica snorts. "Clay, that is so like you!" She laughs, "You scarred the poor woman, come on."

Clay's lips press together. "I didn't traumatize her, it was a nice meeting!"

"For you, maybe; but she was horrified! She didn't know we've all been through so much shit together, she thought I was just a random girlfriend of yours or something."

"Hey! Hey! When did you two get old and married?" Tony interrupts, letting out a short laugh.

Jessica suddenly smirks and rubbs her hands together, "Speaking of old and married, how's Caleb?"

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Tony roars, the tips of his ears turning red.

"Come on, you can't be offended by that." 

Tony half smiles. "I am not, to be honest. And as for Caleb, he's fine. He couldn't make it today, but I thought it's probably better, am I right? No significant others present, just us."

"For fuck's sake Tony, you're making us all feel bad." Jessica groans, "Except for you and Tyler, none of us _have_ someone to bring to this shit."

"Let's drink to that!" Alex yells out, raising his cup in the air, "To a life in which we can bitch and moan about being single and not _other_ shit."

To being fucking normal.

"Walk me to my house?" Jessica asks him while walking out of the almost empty café, the look on her face hinting of a serious conversation coming. He knows he's not it the mood for it, but also doesn't have the energy to fight off fucking Jessica Davis. He still tries, bringing out his best puppy eyes and charming smile.

"Maybe later Jess? I actually haven't had the time to even unpack my-"

She interrupts him - he isn't surprised, she always does - waving a hand in front of his face. He ducks his head, annoyed.

"You know that's bullshit, Zach. I don't really ache to talk to you either, but it's for Alex."

He feels the familiar terror of having to say no paralize him but this time he decides he feels alright about being pushed into saying yes, because well, it's for fucking Alex. He doesn't need to kid himself, the confusion and drama aside, he has always done anything for Alex and is sure he will continue to do so.

"Fuck you and your leverages, Jess." He spits out nevertheless, because if this becomes a thing, a habit of hers, to push him around using this, he is fucked.

"This is not a leverage you asshole, I care about him. A lot. And you're fucking him up, so there's that." She says, "And walk faster, I wanna get home sometime tonight."

He looks at her in disbelief. Doesn't she know, or care? Because he knows her to be cruel, yet not that much.

"I have a bad fucking knee, Jess." He groans and looks at her closely; by the way her expression shifts, he can tell it had really slipped her mind.

"Shit, Zach, I'm so sorry-"

"Just fucking get to your point already, I'm not in the mood."

He can feel her burning gaze on his skin, trying to make out if she should continue apologizing, so he turns his head around and returns her gaze, his dark brown eyes deeply staring into hers. 

"Okay, asshole. If you don't want me to apologize, I won't. Save of breath." She says, "Why did you kiss him?"

He doesn't have to listen too hard to trace the blame in her voice, but also, he doesn't seem to be able to bring himself to care. "If you'd listened to the story, you'd know it was a joke." He answers, for the courtesy of fighting a little before she beats him to the ground.

"Can we drop this shit, Zach? I've known you for years, we're past this bullshit." She rolls her eyes.

He should admit defeat right away, but her fluid insults riles him up. He stops right on the corner of the empty street and glances at her under the faint light. Her jaw is set, shoulders back. Nothing shakes her anymore, he thinks bitterly, death being the only possible exception.

"Well?" She asks again, her tone more aggressive this time. It sets him off more than he expects, a flare of rage setting fire to his skin.

"Fuck off, Jess, alright? It's none of your goddamn business! Keep your fucking head out of something for once." He roars and she takes a step away, her back pressing to the dirty wall.

"Calm the fuck down, dickhead." She says, breathing shallowly, "What is the problem with you? You used to be-"

At that moment, he chooses to let go, because he feels worn out, too scarred to put a mask on, "I lost fucking everything!" He shouts, "My whole future went up in flames because of a fucking rapist who thought I was in love with his girlfriend. None of you know-"

With that, she takes a long step towards him, her face close enough for him to see the tears in her eyes, even in the dim street light, "We don't know what, Zach? Loss? Because as far as I remember, Tyler and I got raped, Clay developed another personality, Alex has a brain injury and a huge guilt he has to live with, and oh;" She exhales deeply, "Justin is DEAD."

He is shaking, the cold breeze stinging his eyes, tears appearing in them. That is what he convinces himself the reason is, for if he lets her words sync in too deep, he knows he will endup despising himself for an unnecessarily long time.

Jessica's breaths have become rapid and she puts a hand around her neck, slowly rubbing it. "Why did you kiss him? Answer me, and this will be over."

"I'm confused about my feelings for him." He says and mentally congratulates her on winning the battle; Jessica Davis doesn't fuck around, he reminds himself.

She seems to be satisfied, her lips slightly parted. "I know." She says.

"The fuck, Jess? Wait, you knew, you tricked me into admitting it, and for what?"

"For your sake only, I didn't need your confession to know."

He drags his foot on the solid concrete, blowing a puff of air out. "You want a smoke?" He asks and fishes out a packet from inside the pocket of his leather jacket. Jessica silently takes one, raising her eyebrows. 

"A Dunhill? These are expensive!"

He shrugs, "What can I tell ya? I'm loaded." He says in a casual tone, lighting the cigarette with the lighter Alex bought for him for his 18th birthday.

"He has a mark on everything in my life." He slowly says and hopes the longing in his sound isn't audible to her, but knowing her, it probably is. He carefully examines the lighter, the smooth surface sending chills down his spine. 

_"Not that I'm encouraging you to use this, but since you already smoke, I thought maybe you should have a like -_ proper _lighter."_

He remembers wanting to suffocate him in a hug in that moment, but settling for a fulfilling handshake.

"It's fine that you're confused. I was." She pulls him out of the sweet memory, and he is both angry and thankful of her. These things can be addicting, he has come to realise.

"You dumped him for Justin." He points out, and she looks at him for a moment, before bursting into laughter.

"Fuck! I can't breathe, asshole; "She coughs loudly, "He was at the bad side of the confusion for me. He doesn't have to be that for you."

Zach suddenly appreciates her presence and how he feels warmer, breathing the huffs of smoke she deliberately sends his way. It feels cozy with her, like how he used to sleep with his very fusty yet familiar teddy bear.

"How did he feel about it?" He finally forces himself to ask, because ignorance is a short living bliss for him, always has been.

She throws the stub of her cigarette to the ground, squishing it gently. "Give me another one and I'll tell you."

"You have learned your way in this world, miss Davis."

She lights the second one, laughing. "I sure have." She inhales deeply, "And as for Alex, he said he was shocked to his bone, and I quote."

"Anything else?" He pushes again, earning a quick head shake from her. "Fuck. I thought he'd tell you."

"Well let me give you a piece of advice. Don't be an ass to him, and maybe he'll know how he feels for sure."

Zach turns his face to her and studies her carefully. She looks softer than she did minutes ago, no sign of the tears or trembles, as if they were never there. It pisses him off, how she has become a master in putting on a vacant expression anytime she chooses to do so.

"How was I an ass?" He knows he is beating the wind here, because they both know the answer to his pointless question.

She throws him a bone anyway, "You didn't blurt out his breakup with Charlie, you perfectly meant to say it. And, Zachary, I must say, jealousy is not a good look on you."

He feels the heat creeping on his skin; he knows he must've looked desperate and deeply hopes it was just to her careful eyes.

"I'm not sure that I'm into dudes, Jess."

"Does it have to be about _all_ guys? Can't it just be about _him_?"

He has never looked at it that way. It helps the grip around his chest loosen; he has already come a part of the way with Alex, he doesn't need to start from the beginning. 

"That helps." He says for the sake of saying it, because he knows she has heard the not so silent breath he let out.

She wraps her arms around herself and for the first time, he notices how she is shivering uncontrollably. "Take my jacket, you're freezing." He offers.

"Don't you know me at all, Zach?" 

Of Course she doesn't take it, he hadn't expected her to, yet he can't help but offer, it's like an involuntary reaction from him, a habit carved into his skin.

"Let's get you home then." He concludes and she just nods in agreement, locking her arm into his.

\------

To say that May was glad to see him is an understatement, she yelled, cried, threw herself into his arms and refused to let go for some time.

That night had been too draining for him so he gently put her down and promised to have breakfast with her, and so here he is, digging into a waffle with his fork.

"How do you like it there?" May asks and he knows she kind of wants him to say it sucks, and fortunately -or not- he can give her the answer she wants to hear.

"The whole thing about college is overrated." He says and regrets it immediately, knowing how far from a perfect role model he must have sounded to her. "I mean, for me of course. But you know how hard-to- please I am." He tries again.

She giggles sweetly and God, how he has missed it; "You don't need to sugar code it for me, Zachy. Tell me how you feel, I'm all grown up now."

He feels pride boil inside of him; it's something he hasn't felt in a while, at least not about himself. "I forgot people grow up." He admits. He is past growing up at this point of life, he just slowly gets older and greyer.

"Is it pretty there?" She asks, her voice full of hope. 

He laughs. "So I guess it's been hard here with just mom?"

"You have no idea. She drives me so crazy, I wanna hop on a bus and come live with you sometimes."

"Don't do that," He says, imagining the things his mom might do, "But come and see me. You can stay in my dorm, my roommate is always sleeping at his girlfriend's anyways."

Her eyes shine and she grins so big she almost looks like a cartoon, "Okay you can't take it back now. I'll come and see all of there for myself, cause you're not saying anything."

He smiles. "Yeah May, it's pretty there. You'll love it." He says, standing up, "Can you clean the table this time? I have some things I have to do today, but I'll be back as soon as I can."

She looks disappointed, a light pucker forming on her face, "Where are you going?"

"To Alex's. I have something I need to give him."

Her face suddenly lights up and she gets up from her chair, walking to him quickly. "Can I come?" 

He is surprised by her enthusiasm. Getting in his car and driving around with him has never been an interest of hers, usually calling him 'a maniac in an unnecessarily expensive car'.

"Why?"

She looks away, her face turning a light shade of red. "I've had a crush on him since last year."

Zach slightly feels feverish, staring at her in disbelief. "Really? Why?"

"You won't get it. You're such a _guy_." She says and what she doesn't know is that he, surprisingly, gets it.

"I uh, I didn't really need to know that. And no, you can't come with me." He says dryly, kissing the top of her head before getting out of the door.

He fucking gets it, he realises.

"Is this a rom com?" Alex yells from his window, annoyed, "Who throws rocks at someone's window? No one does that anymore, and we're not in a stupid movie. Ring the doorbell."

"We're too far from a fucking rom com, Alex. Take a look at the year we've had. And come on down, I don't wanna disturb your parents." He yells back.

If stares could kill, Alex's would've killed him right away. The boy huffs and closes the window, pulling the curtains. Zach stands there and is not sure if he should leave or stay, but the sound of the front door opening answers him.

"What the fuck, man?" Alex says, walking to him, dressed in pants and a t-shirt that says 'FUBAR'.

"What does that mean?" He asks, pointing at his shirt with a finger. Alex looks down at it, as if forgotten what he is wearing.

"Fucked up beyond all repair."

Zach scoffs. "You can't even stop brooding when you put a shirt on, right?"

"God, it's fucking freezing out here, not a good time to criticize my fashion taste." 

"That's not what I'm doing, I'm criticizing your personality."

"Great. That's so much better." Alex replies, sarcastically, "What's going on, Zach?"

He suddenly feels nervous, wishing he had prepared a speech. 'A natural apology is the best'. Well, fuck that.

"I uh, wanted to say I'm sorry about the yesterday Charlie thing." He says and curses himself mentally. Real smooth, he bitterly thinks.

Alex blinks. "What? You came all the way here to say _that_? It's fine, really."

"Really? Cause it seemed like you didn't want to say anything to anyone yet, and I kind of fucked your plan up."

Alex laughs sharply. "There'd been lots of things I didn't wanna tell anybody, these things don't even count anymore. These secrets are stupid," He says, "Compared to other ones we're keeping."

Zach tries to hold back his laughter, but he can't. "It shouldn't be funny that our lives are so fucked up, but it started to be ironically funny when it became _this_ fucked up."

"I know." 

Zach rubs the back of his neck and feels it starting to sweat. Fuck his body, he thinks. It has never learned to act smooth. "Anyway, I brought you your Christmas present to make it up to you."

"What? It's a week away."

"Yeah, but- look, just take it. Okay?"

Alex shakes his head and moves forward, looking at the box in Zach's hand. 

"That is a big _big_ box, dude."

"Open the shit, come on." 

Alex opens the ribbon carefully and tears the wrapping, and God, that is the look Zach hoped to see on his face. Sheer surprise combined with happiness, his blue eyes twinkling.

"Fuck. Is this-"

He nods. "It's the fancy ass one you wanted. "

Alex slowly moves his fingers on the black leather surface, sighing in aw. "This is a Levy's guitar case, man. It's too expensive, fuck. I can't-"

"It's too late. Don't be a bitch about it, okay?"

Alex looks up at him and nods. "These things are like 500 bucks." He opens the zipper gently, "Fuck, look at this. I don't think even my parents have ever gotten me something this great. The thing I got you sucks compared to this."

"I don't care about that."

The happy aura around Alex melts Zach's heart completely, leaving a lump of joy inside. In that moment, satisfaction washes through him, and he swears under his breath. He is in too deep, without him knowing how and when it happened. Somehow it still feels fresh, and blazing, and bewildering. He has fallen in love, fast, out of nowhere, and all at once. The realisation numbs his mind and whets his heart.

"Fuck, thank you! I'd hug you, but I kind of feel we do that too much nowadays." Alex's words pour ice water on him, yanking him out of his sweet daydream.

"Yeah, no, you're right." He manages to say, his heart pounding harder than he thought was possible.

"I think I can be swooning for this for weeks. Fuck. Thanks, man." He says and reaches his hand in front of him, "A handshake then?"

Zach slowly takes his hand into his own, and expects some sorts of fireworks. It doesn't come and he mentally laughs at himself; the tingling feeling of excitement however, covers his skin, and he can't remember the last time he has felt it.

"Hey man, I wanted to ask you something. How about we meet each other every saturday? So you can forget the whole Charlie thing." He suddenly blurts out, and thinks maybe it is the best spontaneous thing that has ever come out of his mouth.

Alex clears his throat. "You don't have to do that, I'm really fine-"

"I want to, man. I miss you a lot of times."

Alex gives him a small smile. "Yeah, me too." He says.

"Okay then."

"Yeah, okay then."

They stand there awkwardly, with Zach slowly chewing his bottom lip. A cold wind breezes and they both shiver. 

"Wanna come in?" Alex asks, and Zach shakes his head no. 

"I promised May I'd be back soon. She'd cast a spell of unbreakable vow or something if she could, but thankfully, our lives aren't that weird yet."

Alex chuckles loudly. "You've read Harry Potter?"

"Who hasn't?" 

"I bet Justin hasn't." Alex points out and they both go silent at that. The guilt of living once again eats Zach on the inside, something he recently has learned to live with.

"I felt really wrong, because I didn't use to miss him at first," Alex slowly says, "But I started to, about a month ago. I know we didn't like each other, but I guess you can miss that too."

"I uh- I actually get that." Zach says, clearing his throat, "I feel that way about Bryce."

Alex suddenly looks pale, gasping audibly. "Oh, I'm sorry, I-"

Zach realises his mistake. "Fuck, not that much, man. I beat the shit out of him, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm the one who finished the job." Alex laughs bitterly, "So I guess-"

"Fucking shut up, Alex." He interrupts, "You mean more to me than he ever has. Fucking hell, I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you."

Alex smiles. "So you mean you'll miss me more, if I die?"

"Don't even fucking jock about that. What I went through the last time you, well, the _last time_ , was bad enough."

"I know. Sorry" Alex says, slowly.

Zach suddenly feels the need to leave, wanting a moment to himself. "I better get going. See you later then?"

"Yeah, sure. See you."

He waves his hand and turns his back, digging out his car keys from his pocket.

During his drive home, he can only think of one thing. One small thing;

Fuck. He's in love.

\------

He opens the box and takes Alex's present out, stares at it for a moment and then bursts out laughing.

A leather covered hip flask is sitting in his lap, dark blue colored, a 'Big Z' written on it in gold letters. There is a note attached to it. He opens it, and the boy's crooked handwriting smiles at him.

_'Thought maybe if you drink out of this, you'd think of me and feel guilty and drink a bit less._

_Happy Christmas, man._

_With a normal amount of fondness,_

_Alex'_

"What are you smiling at, Zachary?" His mom asks.

"Nothing mom." He says, grinning, "Nothing."

The sky is blue outside.

\------

On the first Saturday, he shows the campus to Alex. Alex makes a braid out of campus flowers and puts it on his own head, saying: "How freeing it feels to be gay."

On the second Saturday, Alex takes him to a building's rooftop that has a greenhouse and a small pool. "This is how I do it." He says.

"What the fuck? How'da find this place?"

"My crazy roommate has a crazy girlfriend who has a loaded dad, so here we are."

Zach laughs. "Let's get in then."

"Much better when there's no PT involved, right?" Alex says after they go in.

Zach smiles to himself. "Hmm. Whatever you say."

On the third Saturday, they agree to meet halfway.

"Kettleman city. Huh. Who knew." Alex says, getting out of his car, "Is there even a diner in here?"

Zach digs out a flask from his jacket. "If there isn't, we have your gift to feed us."

"Let's do that, yeah."

On the fourth Saturday, Zach finds tickets to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Alex almost slaps him when he refuses to take money from him, so he ends up having to accept it.

"I'm never going to be anywhere near as good as they are." Zach says when they walk out of the hall, his head still spinning. Alex laughs.

"That's a stupidly high bar to set, Zach."

"Yeah, but still."

"You're getting better everyday, man. I listened to your last track and it was by far the best." Alex says.

Zach slaps him on his back. "Yeah?"

"Fuck you, that hurt." Alex says, "And yeah. We're the kinds of friends who can tell eachother anything, right?"

He smiles. "Right."

On the fifth Saturday, they decide to visit home. 

"I'll pick you up on my way and we can get back sunday afternoon." Zach suggests, and from the way Alex's laugh echoes through the line, he knows it's a good plan.

"Fine. But I'll make a playlist. Yours is too depressing, man. And it's coming from _me_."

Zach groans. "It's fucking Clay's."

"Did he put a gun to your head and make you listen to it?"

He laughs. "No. It just feels kind of nice, helps me remember him more. That dude grows on you, you know. He wrecked my car and broke my arm, but I still love him as fuck." He admits.

"He has that effect, yes." Alex agrees.

"So, I'm gonna show up and honk and if you don't come and get on, I'll leave you."

Alex chuckles. "I'll be there."

"Oh and I have to ask a favor. Show your face to May for 5 minutes, okay? The idiot has a crush on you."

"Really? Wow. The first girl who's actually liked me is your sister. You must feel crushed."

"She's always had bad taste, I'm not surprised." He says, and by the way Alex snorts, he knows he has made the right joke.

The next day, they get to the city at noon and stop by at Zach's house. He watches his mom as she looks at Alex up and down, and feels the familiar anxiety he'd always felt when she found out about one of his crushes. May is more welcoming however, telling Alex a story of how Zach used to nurse broken winged birds back to health.

"Bye!" She shouts after them as they walk down the street, heading to their old highschool.

"That was really cute, you know." Alex tells him when they cross a corner, and Zach looks at him, confused.

"What?"

"The thing about you nursing sick birds."

Zach bites the insides of his cheeks to prevent himself from smiling too hard. "No, I was really dumb. The part she left out was that I was the one who usually injured them." He says, and if he could take a picture from Alex's face and printed it, he would've put it inside his wallet.

"What the hell? I mean, maybe I'm not one to judge, considering all the shitty video games I play, but that is just-"

The panik inside his voice amuses Zach to a level that he almost doesn't want to correct him. But he decides otherwise, trying to control his laughter. "No! Not like that. When I say I was dumb, take my word for it. I wanted to hit the cats that _wanted to eat them_ , but I usually ended up hitting the birds."

Alex stops and looks at him, his smile so wide that the top of his lip touches his nose ring. "Fuck." He only says, and his teeth show. Zach feels the urge to lick them with his tongue, and he quickly tries to think of another thing, knowing this will be a boner none of them can justify.

"Here we are." He says, breathing shallowly, looking at the entrance of Liberty High.

Alex's expression has turned sour, his bottom lip jutting up. "When I die and I go to hell, this'll be how it is designed after."

"When?" Zach asks, the sudden self loathing that has appeared in the other guy's voice upsetting him.

"I killed this place's Captain of the football team, Zach."

Zach slowly wraps his arm around Alex's shoulder, slightly noticing how they have turned broader. "And a serial rapist. And a piece of shit."

"Yeah, but still."

"I think the fucking guilt is a big enough price you're paying." He says, and Alex's ocean colored eyes dart at him, a smile hidden in them.

"You're unbelievingly good at this." He says, and Zach can feel the blood in his veins shooting up to his face.

"Yeah, being your best friend makes that a requirement, man. You never give yourself a fucking break, so I can't give myself one either."

Alex breathes deeply. "Sorry, man."

"Fuck, Standall. Kind of getting tired of you always apologizing."

"Yeah;" He says, "Me too."

Zach glances at him and sees the familiar face he makes when he is about to overthink, so he desperately tries to pull him out of his thoughts. "We've been here for too long already. Let's go to Monet's."

Alex nods. "Fine."

They spend the rest of their day at Monet's, Staring at Tyler's pictures and with Alex ordering 5 different drinks in 4 hours. 

"Still committed?"

"Always committed."

On Saturday, they eat breakfast at Alex's house and then go up to his room to play a video game he calls "The new fucking masterpiece, man."

"I feel like I've spent all of my last two years of highschool in here." Zach says, looking around. The posters on the wall, the stack of books, even the bed sheets all remind him of memories he remembers to be nothing but happy. For two years this has been his safe haven in the world full of chaos they lived in.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Alex says, sprawling on the bed, "Thanks for that."

"Anytime."

Alex raises his head and shakes it violently. "Fucking no. Not anytime. I don't wanna go through a time like that again."

"No, I didn't mean the PT thing, just you know, the hanging out thing."

"Yeah, that was really nice. Beating you at all those games was fun too. Care to relive the memories?"

Zach exhales sharply. "Dream, Standall. Dream."

After two hours of bickering, Zach finally sees no option but to surrender. It doesn't really bother him, Alex has always been a clear winner.

"We should've bet on it." He says, and Zach laughs sheepishly.

"Next time maybe."

"Let's see what time it is, maybe we can play another- Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck." 

"What?" Zach asks, a familiar rush back into his bones. A new body? Another threatening text message? Someone trying to blow up somewhere and they have to help?

"Nothing, relax. I'm just late."Alex says and gets up from the bed hurriedly, pulling a grey jacket out of his closet.

"Late for what?" Zach asks while mentally admiring Alex's sense of style. The jacket goes well with the dark skinny jeans and light green shirt he is wearing, at least to Zach's untrained eyes.

"I promised Charlie I'd meet him whenever I get into town." He says, tying his shoelaces, "I'll be back in an hour, I promise. Don't leave me behind or some shit."

Zach feels cold. "I wouldn't dream of it." He says, dryly.

Alex smiles, reaching his fist in front of him. "See you later then."

The touch makes Zach feel nauseous.

On the sixth Saturday, Alex cancels.

"I have to go home again, but I'll see you next week for sure." He says and his apologetic tone sets Zach off more than the normal amount.

"Sure." Is all he can say before hanging up.

Who the hell said it is better to feel pain than not feel at all?

On the seventh Saturday, someone pounds on his door so loudly, he wakes up in terror, somewhat expecting a group of FBI agents to break inside and nail him to the ground.

"Coming! Cut it the fuck out. You asshole-"

He freezes when a furious looking Alex stares back at him, the familiar vein in his forehead throbbing. His hair is dyed again, this time to an almost white looking grey. It compliments the black shirt he has on, a giant middle finger painted on it.

"I feel like we have these sorts of encounters too often." Alex says, his eyes empty of emotions.

Zach swallows slowly, feeling like an 8 year old that has gotten caught by his teacher. He knows Alex well enough to realise this is probably the highest level of rage he can endure before it turns into a physical fight.

"Yeah, and who's responsible?" He retorts back, because why not? If Alex can cancel out of nowhere, so can he.

Alex however, doesn't seem to share the same opinion, as his eyes widen in surprise, displeasure written all over his face. "You can't be fucking serious. You stopped picking up your phone again, and this is  _ my _ fault?"

"Did you ever hear me say it was your fault?" He sounds childish even to himself, but this isn't a fair fight, he has much more to lose than Alex does.

"Don't be smart, Zach; and move aside, I wanna come in."

Zach obbeys immediately, letting Alex come inside and observe the mess around his room. He isn't surprised when the boy spins on his heels, staring at him with all the blame his gaze can hold.

"You're playing the drunk game again, aren't you?"

The question isn't for answering, but more of an attempt to awaken his conscience. It only pisses him off, however. He doesn't feel the need of life lessons from a person who can, well, pull the strings attached to his being and make him dance however he wants. He knows Alex has no clue about his power over him, but it doesn't really make a difference.

"Don't you get tired of playing the mother hen role all the time? You're 20, not 200."

Alex exhales sharply. "And you're 20, not 12. Get a fucking hold of yourself. I love you, it hurts me to-"

"What? It hurts you to see me like this? Shouldn't you have been used to it by now?"

"Why are you acting like a hurt bitch right now?"

"Why did you cancel last week?" As soon as it leaves his mouth, he knows it's the wrong response.

"What?" The genuine shock in his voice almost makes Zach laugh, but he controls it, not wishing to turn the scene into a pity fight.

"Nothing. Look, I'm sorry. We'll have a good day together next saturday, sorry I cancelled."

There is a dull incredulity in Alex's expression that nearly pains Zach to watch. He seems disappointed, punched in the stomach.

"You think this is about you  _ cancelling _ on me?" He slowly says, "God, can you be more of an idiot, Zach?"

"What?" 

"I drove 7 hours because I am fucking worried about you, all the fucking time. Not because you called off some stupid thing."

Zach's heart skips a beat. "But you abandoned me last week to go see Charlie-"

Alex gasps. "What? I didn't go see Charlie! If you'd picked up your phone, you would've known that! My brother was in town. I went to see him." He says, "And even if I  _ was _ with Charlie, why'd you care, Zach?"

Zach feels his mind freeze, unable to form a single sentence that would make sense. He begs his brain to come up with something, but like most of the key moments in his life, he is at a loss for words.

"Tell me, Zach. Why do you care?" He is closer now, the small pills on his shirt visible to Zach.

"I-"

"Just fucking tell me."

"Because I'm in love with you." He finally lets go, an immediate lump forming inside his throat. He feels free, a heavy weight lifted off of his shoulder.

Alex's expression goes blank. "This is cruel, man. Not funny, just cruel."

Zach's heart breaks at that a little. "It's not a joke. Is it so hard to believe?"

"Yes! Yes, it is; you're not into guys-"

"I'm into _you_." He explains, plainly, confidence rising inside his chest. He can finally fess up, for fuck's sake.

Alex looks astonished, blinking rapidly. "No, no, that night on the rooftop-"

"It was a year and a half ago, Alex."

"-and that time you kissed me in Jessica's room-"

"I wasn't joking back then. I was just a pussy, I couldn't confess."

Alex goes silent, shaking his head. "You're not into guys." He finally says, and Zach feels both heartbroken and annoyed.

"Is it so hard for you to believe that someone loves you? You're so fucked up, fucking hell." He says and closes the distance between them with two long steps, crashing his lips to Alex's.

Alex pushes him away right away, his eyes shining intensely. "If this is about you trying to save our friendship or whatever-"

"For fuck's sake, dude, shut up." He interrupts and kisses Alex again,and this time he doesn't pull away.

"You've gotten yourself into something you won't get out of easily." Alex pants, a heavy moan escaping his mouth when Zach's lips move down to his neck.

"That's what I'm counting on." Zach says and moves forward, Alex's back hitting a wall.

Fuck.

"I'm not surprised that you were so good at this." Alex says, his voice muffled against the soft pillow.

Zach laughs. "I know, thanks."

Alex pushes himself up on his elbow, staring into Zach's eyes. The longing swimming inside the ocean of them almost drives Zach insane, happiness threatening to strangle him at any moment.

"Does this mean; you know?"

Zach smiles, he can't help but. "I want it to, and I hope so do you."

"We're 7 hours apart."

"And we've seen each other every Saturday for two months."

"You'll have to tell your mom and sister-"

Zach shakes his head in disbelief. "I don't give a shit about that."

"We have to tell our friend."

"Hey! Enough with the telling people thing. What do  _ you _ want?"

Alex goes silent for a minute and Zach can almost feel his heart in his mouth during, every second lasting a year. "Remember the riot at school? You asked me why I wasn't with Charlie?" Alex finally says.

"Yeah." He replies back, shortly.

"Well, it's safe to answer now." Alex says, inhaling deeply, "I was in love with you. Never stopped. Just got good at burying it somewhere inside of me." 

Zach holds his breath. "And?"

"And, I think I'm ready to dig it up again." He answers, staring into Zach's eyes with a challenging gaze.

Happiness is a too mellow word to describe what he is feeling. "Fucking hell."

Yes, fucking hell, indeed.

\------

The phone continues to ring, neither of them wanting to get up to answer it.

"Come on, I got back late last night." Zach argues, pushing Alex with one hand.

He meowls. "And It was your fucking idea to get a phone for this place."

"You said it was a good idea!" Zach protests, lightly pinching Alex on the arm.

"Do I ever say anything else to you?" Alex says, crawling on top of him, "Good morning." He says, kissing the corner of Zach's closed mouth.

"Good morning." He feels awake all of a sudden, looking at his boyfriend with the same amount of love he has felt in the past years. "After all this time that we've been together, I still can't believe how much you resemble a cat."

"You're a cat too, just a bigger one." 

"Really? Well let's-" He is cut off by a high  _ ding _ sound. "Whoever the hell it was, they're texting now."

Alex grabs his phone from on the nightstand and groals. "It's Jessica. She says happy 4th year anniversary. I should call her-"

Zach takes the phone from his hand and tosses it at the foot of the bed, " _ Or _ , we can start celebrating." He says, running his hand inside Alex's hair. He meowls again. 

"Yeah, let's do that."

Zach doesn't need to forget anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I've put a lot of time into this, so pleeease let me know what you think. :D


End file.
